A Cold and Broken Hallelujah
by Keitorin Asthore
Summary: She loved him for as long as she could remember. So why did she put aside her own feelings to raise his child instead?


Disclaimer: Shaman King belongs to Hiroyuki Takei, not me.

_love is not a victory march...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

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She rather liked living in denial, thank you very much.

As long as there was no ring, no legal papers, she could hope. She dreamed her own little dreams, imagining the moment that he would wake up and realize that she was there, waiting for him, ready for him to sweep her off her feet and carry her away.

Or, as plan B, she could always daydream about the day that his family decided that she would be a more suitable bride. He would be a bit sad, of course, but through her sweetness and compassion he would fall in love with her.

And, in her dizziest fantasies, she imagined the two of them with a houseful of laughing, bright-eyed children. It would be the perfect life. The king and his bride. Nothing could destroy her dreams.

That is, of course, until now.

She had suspected for a while, a terrible tightening in the pit of her stomach when she watched Anna alternate between pale white and rosy, between picking at her meals and devouring them, between exhausted and manic. She was withdrawn, but that was nothing new. Anna guarded her secrets jealously.

But as Tamao watched her turn pale and lean unobtrusively against the wall, her heart sank. Her dreams weren't going to last much longer.

She brushed past the boys. "Anna, can you help me with something?" she asked. It wasn't hard to sound nervous. After all, she sounded like that all the time.

"What do you need?" Anna murmured. Her dark eyes seemed far away.

"It's nothing much…just come upstairs, please," Tamao said.

Anna shrugged and turned to go up the stairs. Tamao followed closely. _With my luck, she'll faint on the stairs and break her neck and die_, she thought.

But if she was dead…

Tamao shook her head and followed Anna into one of the little rooms upstairs. The blonde girl paused. She pressed her hand to her forehead for a moment, then faltered. Tamao caught her by the arms as she fell.

_Well, this is just wonderful_, she thought as she dragged the unconscious girl to the bed. Anna fell back against the pillows, her blonde hair streaming around her. Tamao stared at her.

It was unmistakable. The girl's short black dress clung to her, revealing the slight roundness of her belly.

Her head spinning, Tamao picked up a discarded blanket and draped it over Anna. She started to rouse, but Tamao placed her hand on her narrow shoulder. "Lie down," she commanded.

Anna opened her eyes slowly, staring up at the ceiling. "What happened?" she mumbled.

Tamao licked her dry lips. "You fainted," she said.

A slight tinge of red touched Anna's white cheeks. _Is she actually embarrassed? _"Did everyone-" she started to ask.

"No," Tamao said. "You got so pale all of a sudden. I convinced you to come upstairs and you just dropped as soon as the door closed."

Anna closed her eyes as the color faded from her face again. "Thank you," she said.

Tamao stepped closer. The usually resilient girl looked so faded and weak. It was strange. She reached over and placed her hand on Anna's forehead. She felt slightly warm, but not feverish.

Anna opened one eye at her touch. "Stop staring at me," she said, a hint of her usual bravado returning.

"You should drink something," Tamao said. "I'll be right back."

She managed to walk normally until she reached the hallway. Then she bolted.

Anna was pregnant. The thought burned through her mind as she slipped past the boys and made her way into the kitchen. Anna was going to have a baby. Anna was going to be a mother.

She held a clean glass under the faucet and turned it on. Then a new thought hit her.

_Who was the father?_

Water poured over the rim of the glass and onto her hands. She shook her head. It was Yoh. It had to be. There was no other option. Anna barely paid attention to any of Yoh's other friends. Sleeping with them was entirely out of the question.

Redseb burst into the kitchen, Seyram at his heels. She was so startled she nearly dropped the glass. "Where's Sissy?" he demanded.

"Anna is upstairs," she said, trying to still the shaking of her hands.

"Is she dead?" Redseb asked. "Seyram thinks she's dead." Seyram, implacable as usual, nodded in agreement.

"She's not dead," Tamao said. "She's fine. She's just tired."

"Oh," said Redseb. "Can we go upstairs?"

"Not yet," Tamao said. "I'm going to take her some water and then you can see her."

"Okay," Redseb conceded grudgingly. He grabbed his sister by the hand and ran back. Tamao made her way towards the stairs.

She felt Yoh's eyes on her. She turned around to find him watching her. He glanced upward, signaling. She nodded and fled.

The water sloshed in the glass and she willed herself to calm down before she entered the bedroom. Anna still rested, her eyes far away and thoughtful as she gazed at the ceiling. "Sit up slowly," Tamao said.

To her surprise Anna obeyed, pulling herself up gingerly, as if too much motion would make her dizzy. She drank eagerly as Tamao stood beside the bed. "When did you get so forceful?" she asked between sips, as if she was trying to lighten the mood with a joke.

She couldn't take it any longer. "Anna," she said. Anna looked up with the same imperial glance she flashed at everyone. The question burst out before she could stop it. "How long?"

Anna's attitude melted away. She lowered the glass and stared at the fall. "A few months," she said quietly. "Four, I think."

"When?" Tamao asked.

"In June."

Tamao felt like she might faint next. A baby…a baby by June.

Four months. That meant…the night before Yoh left for America. It had to be, for the math to work properly.

"How long have you known?" Anna asked. She looked younger, almost childlike.

_She's not quite sixteen yet. She is still a child._

"I've suspected for a while," Tamao admitted, both to Anna and herself. "The changes in mood, changes in appetite. You've been so tired."

Anna bit her lip as she stared out the window. "I suppose I am tired," she said softly.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Tamao asked.

"I did," she said vehemently, turning to face her. "Yoh knows. Most likely Amidamaru as well. Kino and Keiko. And Faust." She rubbed the bridge of her nose, a childish gesture. "That's why I convinced him to join Yoh's team. Where else was I going to find a doctor who could keep a secret?"

Tamao studied her. "You're not ashamed, are you?" she asked.

"Of course not," Anna snapped, the fire returning to her eyes. She placed her hand on her stomach. "I'm not ashamed. I could never be ashamed."

Tamao sat down on the edge of the bed. Anna ignored her. "Why?" she persisted.

"Why?" Anna repeated, arching an eyebrow. She rolled her eyes. "Well, you see, Tamao, when a man and woman love each other very much-"

The edges of her temper crackled. "Not that," Tamao said. "Why did you…" She knew what she wanted to ask, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. "You and Yoh…you're so young…"

Anna leaned against the wall, as if the slight rounding of her belly weighed her down. "Kino told me I needed to do it," she said. "Just in case he…"

Her voice trailed off. "He dies," Tamao finished for her.

"That way the Asakura line won't die out," she shrugged. Her shoulders relaxed; she seemed to be lost in a happier thought. "But in the end, we weren't even thinking about it. It just happened…and, well, everything happened."

The light in her eyes faded, turning the color from amber brown to black. Her slender hands clutched the blankets. "You can't tell anyone," she said, almost fiercely. "If Hao knew-"

Her words broke off. Impulsively Tamao reached for her hand, and to her surprise Anna took it. She took a deep breath, as if warding off the merciless thoughts that pervaded her mind.

The door creaked open, and she dropped Anna's hand. Yoh came in, smiling slightly. "I wondered where you went," he said. He glanced from one girl to the other. Tamao dropped her gaze. "Huh. I guess Tamao knows."

"I won't tell a soul," she promised.

"I know," he said. He seemed so calm, as if he never doubted that she would keep the secret. Yoh stepped closer, and her heart pounded furiously against her ribcage.

But he stepped past her and approached Anna. "May I?" he asked. She nodded, and he placed his hand on her belly.

Tamao backed away. Neither of them noticed. Yoh sat down on the edge of the bed, smiling down at her as he absentmindedly stroked his hand over her stomach. Anna didn't smile, but there was a soft light in her eyes that was rarely there before.

Tamao leaned against the wall, watching them. This was so like them. They didn't exchange sweet words, they didn't kiss or hold hands, there hadn't even been a formal proposal. Yet as Yoh bent his dark head over her golden one in a gentle, loving, protective gesture, she knew that this was what love looked like.

Yoh pulled away from her, saying something about getting her dinner. Anna said something sharp in reply, but the bite of her words was negated by the softness that still shone from her eyes. Tamao pressed herself closer to the wall as Yoh walked past her.

Before anything else could happen, Redseb and Seyram burst into the room and hopped on the bed. Anna scolded them, but as she did she snuggled Seyram to her side and brushed Redseb's hair back with a firm hand.

Tamao's heart continued to sink as she watched Anna settle into the role of surrogate motherhood with the Munzer children. In five months, she would be rocking her own child to sleep- Yoh's child.

Her heart sank to her shoes and crumbled. Tears smarted in her eyes as all of the fond hopes and dreams she had nurtured since her childhood finally blew away.

Anna looked up; surprise registered on her face as she saw the tears in Tamao's eyes. Tamao ducked her head, picked up the empty glass of water, and left.

There was no going back now. Yoh and Anna were bound together, the irrefutable bond of their child. He would never choose her over Anna.

Tamao halted in the doorway to the kitchen. Yoh stood in front of the stove, fiddling with the burners. "Let me do that," she said, setting the glass down on the counter.

"Oh," he said, stepping back. "Thanks."

He picked up a full saucepan and set it on the blazing burner. "Thank you for helping Anna, by the way," he said.

"It was nothing," she said quietly.

She watched Yoh stir the contents of the saucepan. He may have been sixteen, but he was still so much like the child he had been. He was still the same person she had fallen in love with, all those years ago.

"She's doing well so far, but Faust says she isn't being careful enough," he said.

She jerked back to reality. "What?" she said.

"Her pregnancy," Yoh said. "He says there's a risk that without enough rest and proper attention, something could go wrong." He smiled ruefully. "She's so busy focusing on me, you see."

"Oh," was all she could say.

He stirred in silence. "Can I ask a favor of you?" he said.

"Of course," she said eagerly, her hope rising. "Anything. I'll do anything you want."

_Care for you? Marry you? Give you children?_

"Will you take care of Anna for me?" he asked.

If her heart hadn't broken, it would have then.

"Take care of Anna?" she repeated.

"I can't stay here and make sure that she's eating right and resting enough," Yoh said. "Will you take care of her and the baby?"

"Of course," she heard herself say.

"Thanks," Yoh said, relieved. He spooned the contents of the saucepan into a bowl and stuck a pair of chopsticks on the side. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, the way a brother would kiss a sister. "You're the best."

She stood alone in the kitchen, stunned, as she realized what she had just agreed to do.

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**Author's Notes:**

Folks, it's official. I am on a frickin' roll.

Yesterday I added a oneshot called "A Quiet, Heavy Secret." People seemed to like it, so I decided to adapt it as a multichapter story from Tamao's point of view. I really want to explore why she chose to stay and raise Hana when Yoh and Anna left. So I'm starting midway through Anna's pregnancy and continuing it until...well, until I get to the end!

I've also started posting my Anna novel, "Spider Lilies." It would be nice if you told me what you thought of it...and of this one, too.

Heck, reviews are just nice. I'd like some.

In any case, I hope you enjoy this so far! I'm going to write more of it soon!**  
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